REVEALED: What Alexis Sanchez did not do…

REVEALED: What Alexis Sanchez did not do…

What Alexis did (not do) next
‘REVEALED: What REALLY happened in the Arsenal dressing room at Bournemouth – and why it means they aren’t finished just yet’

Top of the Mirror football site on Friday is this expose from Steve Stammers. He is going to tell us exactly what happened. This will be good…

‘Yes, he had an on-field row with Aaron Ramsey. Just like Diego Costa and Pedro did during Chelsea’s 2-0 defeat at Tottenham. That was just two arch-competitiors having a bust-up apparently.’

We’re with you there, Steve. When ‘two arch-competitiors’ argue, that’s perfectly normal.

‘And one rumour had it that Sanchez broke a window in the Bournemouth dressing room afterwards in a fit of pique. He did well there. There are no windows in the Bournemouth dressing room.’

Erm, sorry what? Having put the words ‘Sanchez window Bournemouth’ into both Google and Twitter, we have to conclude that nowhere on the internet had anybody suggested that Alexis Sanchez broke a window at Bournemouth before you suggested that people were suggesting that Alexis Sanchez broke a window at Bournemouth.

‘Then there was talk of a blazing row with the other players. He can play, can Sanchez. He must also have one hell of a voice on him as well because he went away to be tested and by the time he came back the dressing room was empty.’

Odd because every report we read on Thursday said that Sanchez ignored his teammates; we have not seen a single report suggesting that he had a ‘blazing row’.

In fact, a Twitter search for ‘Sanchez blazing row’ led us only here…

Former X Factor star turned porn actress arrested for smashing her car into a pub fence following blazing row pic.twitter.com/OFI1OPGATk

— Jorge Sánchez (@jorchsanchez911) December 28, 2016

Which is interesting. But not about Alexis Sanchez.

So, ‘what REALLY happened in the Arsenal dressing room at Bournemouth’ is actually nothing. Nothing at all. And definitely not all of those things that you didn’t think had happened anyway.

Transfers Premier League revealed
For SEO purposes, getting ‘Premier League’, ‘transfers’ and ‘revealed’ in a headline is the boom boom da boom boom of football coverage on the internet.

So…

‘Premier League players for most transfers revealed’

Sorry Sky Sports, but that’s just a list of (admittedly valuable on the internet) words.

It turns out that what they are trying to tell us is ‘which current Premier League players have made the most moves during their careers’.

Can’t think why they didn’t sell the whole thing on the man at the top of the list. After all, adding ‘Kwesi Appiah’ to any headline will surely break the internet.

Pound Sterling
Here’s a headline (a ridiculously long headline, we must add) from the MailOnline:

‘He’s happy to splash his cash on £500,000 Bentleys but when it comes to value only Poundworld will do: £180,000-a-week Premier League star Raheem Sterling shows he has an eye for a bargain just like the rest of us’

Mention of expensive car ✔

Mention of massive wages ✔

Mention of footballer who has ‘form’ for extravagance and greed ✔

Bingo. Let’s move on to those bullet points just below the headline:

‘Manchester City winger Raheem Sterling, 22, is spotted at Poundworld store’

Yes. That’s ‘spotted’. Was he hiding? Or was he…well, we will let you decide…

£180,000-a-week Premier League star Raheem Sterling seen at Poundworld https://t.co/UrLqrSW7a7 pic.twitter.com/wwPvE4b07Y

— Daily Mail U.K. (@DailyMailUK) January 5, 2017

It looks an awful lot like he was posing for a picture to Mediawatch. Spotted? He doesn’t even look remotely embarrassed.

‘Sterling was seen browsing toiletries aisle at store and spoke with customers’

He ‘spoke’? That’s probably how he was ‘spotted’. Never, ever go on Hunted, Raheem.

‘He lives in a home worth £3.5million and has a £500,000 Bentley GTX 700-4’

So presumably he should also spend millions on razors and tampons? Or shouldn’t he? We’re confused.

‘On one week in November he brought a different car to training every day’

The b***ard.

Oddly, the one thing not mentioned by the Mail in either their massive headline or their four bullet points emerges in the fourth paragraph – after another mention of his wages, the price of his car and the value of his house…

‘The picture was circulated over the last few months and appears to have been originally taken by a fan named Brad Davenport in August 2014.’

Oh. So before Sterling earned £180,000 a week, before he moved into his £3.5m house and probably before he bought his £500,000 car.

So ‘man shopped in Poundland even though he would later earn rather a lot of money and have expensive cars and houses’.

Presumably the Mail rejected that headline because it just wasn’t long enough.

Say what you see
By far our favourite section of the Mail’s story is this:

‘Wearing a baseball cap, hoodie, tracksuit and T-shirt, Sterling had been browsing the toiletries aisle, with a sign saying ‘Amazing Value – Only £1’ above him.

‘The footballer even posed up for a photo with a fan wearing a yellow Nike T-shirt with ‘Football’ written on it, and chatted with shop workers and customers.’

Important detail for those of us who struggling to focus on the photograph just above those words.

Two pound Sterling
The Twitter bio of Liverpool Echo man David Prentice tells us that he ‘has been writing about football & boxing in Liverpool for 30 years’. Finally, after 30 years, he has reached the zenith of his profession: This.

He even suggests that Raheem Sterling could return to Poundworld and buy ‘James Milner repellant – after failing to shake off the Reds full-back in the recent match with Manchester City’.

Classic bantz, Prenno.

Location, location, location
Talking of footballers and money, the Daily Star have this intriguing URL…

http://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/latest-news/575789/premier-league-footballers-mansions-north-england-worth-millions-see-inside-right-move

So naturally we’re expecting Premier League footballers mansions. Like Cribs.

‘FOOTBALLERS’ mansions worth £75million are up for grabs in an astonishing new year house sale.

‘At least 19 properties linked to some of the biggest names in the sport are currently on the market in football’s north-west heartland.

‘The area is home to three of the country’s top clubs – Manchester United and City and Liverpool.

‘Their highly paid past and present stars have turned the region into a Multi-millionaires Row.’

This is big. Mediawatch hungrily reads on. Who doesn’t want to see the houses of ‘some of the biggest names in the sport’?

‘Ex-Manchester City, Blackburn Rovers and Leicester City star Ashley Ward’s £13m retreat tops the price league of mansions on the market.’

Oh.

Alli baba
The Daily Mail’s campaign against ‘laptop gurus’ continues apace with Ian Ladyman writing of Dele Alli:

‘In an age when anybody with a computer and a willingness to pore over statistics can count himself an expert on footballers, that Alli emerged so quickly is a triumph for old-fashioned scouting.’

Alternatively, it’s a triumph for Dele Alli.

Fountain of youth
Paul Merson is taking a break from predictions to give his rundown of the Premier League’s best performers this season on Sky Sports. His choice of ‘youngster’ is certainly interesting:

‘Nathan Redmond: He’s another great signing. He’s done great at Southampton and when he’s not in the team they’re a different side, which we saw when he was suspended. I’d say he’s not far off an England call-up.’

Because of course the 4-1 and 3-0 defeats either side of the 2-1 defeat for which he was suspended perfectly showcased what a ‘different side’ they are with Redmond available.

Merson knows what you’re thinking…

‘Most people will be saying Dele Alli but he has just done it the last four games and I thought he’d been poor at the start of the season.’

Most people might say that but Mediawatch would instead suggest Raheem Sterling. Not young enough? He’s actually nine months younger than Nathan Redmond, who is soon to turn 23. Which is apparently still ‘young’ to Paul Merson (and the PFA, to be fair).

Talking ’bout a revolution
Paul Merson on Tony Pulis:

‘The fact they’re talking about getting Morgan Schneiderlin shows how far they’ve come.’

Surely actually, you know, signing Morgan Schneiderlin would show a bit more.

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